beauty breakthrough

why am i afraid of my own beauty?

why i am afraid of my own beauty:

there is a small black hole inside me

where no matter how much light i fill my life with

it never ever dissipates.

my fixes are always temporary.

plaster crumbles when it rains.

drugs eventually leave my system,

but always leave me emptier than before.

sugar spikes my blood

and caffeine speeds my heart rate,

but neither fuel me up for the long haul.

i’ve lost touch with my senses,

i hardly feel anything when i touch at all.

my skin is too thick

to appreciate the subtle caresses

of natural beauty.

could it be envy?

i watch those who are so shiny, smooth, and polished

and wonder, “when do they have time to shine?”

sometimes i am a moon reflecting these starlets light;

sometimes i am a sun radiating warmth and love and fright.

i’m so scared.

i’m so scarred.

i’m so dangerous.

i’m burning out

and slipping down

the rabbit hole

faster than light.

it started when i was young, i was curious.

i already knew there was something wrong with my body.

shamed, from an early age.

but they were wrong.

they took advantage of my trusting nature

and their position of power.

i will not be taken advantage of again

by the spiral inside my own mind.

how did one little spot spiral out of control?

nearly twenty years later, this has gotten old.

it’s okay to be naked.

my skin is beautiful.

i will not be shamed into hiding it anymore.

not with clothing,

not with scabs and scars,

not with makeup,

nothing will detract from the beauty i possess,

both outwardly and from within.

i will not poison myself with drugs and alcohol,

sugary treats and caffeinated drinks.

i can and will and do

shine right from the inside.

i love my own beauty.

i embrace my own beauty.

i am my own beauty.